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"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.