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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
First fart at my new job.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside