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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
People will do odd things to get even.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.