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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
take me drunk i`m home
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.