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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.