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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
I have Beer.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.