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Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it