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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.