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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Bad decisions make good stories.