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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.