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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.