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Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.