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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.