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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Velcro is a ripoff
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …