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When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.