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You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. Iām starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook