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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Some of my best memories are naps.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.