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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.