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NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
My house has really let itself go.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.