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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"