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word of the day: nincomtard
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"