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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.