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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.