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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.