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Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.