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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.