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Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it`s there", I am going to eat this Pizza "because it`s here"................................
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.