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Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before