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If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?