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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.