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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".