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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
Please do not read this.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.