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Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."