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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Save time. See it my way.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours