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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
It takes balls to be a man.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.