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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.