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I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.