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Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!