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Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.