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Which wine goes best with more wine?
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!