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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......