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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom