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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Everyone has fitness goals and Iām over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.