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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.