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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Long story short, I love summaries
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.