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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.