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If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
What about a To-Don`t List?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson