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Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
Being normal is boring.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Is food porn star a thing yet??
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !