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Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?