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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.