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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"