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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Been there, done that. allegedly
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
This day needs more yesterday.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!