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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
Life is fun! You should get one.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)