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Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.