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If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.