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I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.