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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.