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I wish my mind had a delete button.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
Marriage tip: Don`t
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.