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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window