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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.