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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener