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Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.