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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.