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There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.