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Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.