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My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
For Christmas I just want summer...
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?