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Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Damn your Hott!...........................Freaking Sun! lmao =P
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.