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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.