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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.