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Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?