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I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.