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I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.