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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
This day needs more tomfoolery!
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.