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I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.