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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.