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My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.