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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.