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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.