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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?