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"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
u cant spell awesome without me
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
My brain has too many tabs open.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in