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First fart at my new job.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
cuss words = sentence enhancers
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell