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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.