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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.