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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat