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My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.