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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.