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I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.