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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.