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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
Some people should come with subtitles.