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The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
My therapist just offered me my money back.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.