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Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned