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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!