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You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.