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Somedays I could do without the life lesson
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)