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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?