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This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria