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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.