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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.