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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.