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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.