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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
I give myself the best presents.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?