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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.