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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"