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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.