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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
This headache feels like dumb people
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.