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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!