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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?