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that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.