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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.