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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"