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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.