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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis