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I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.