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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat