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A wise man, will often say nothing
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!