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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.